The things for which I'm thankful

There are many things in life I am thankful for, but here's my top 25 coming off of Thanksgiving weekend, in somewhat random, stream-of-conscious order.

1. My fabulous, loving and perfect-for-me husband, whose health seems to be much better this year than last.

2. My wonderfully bright, adorable, yet irritating children. As one of my best friends put it, there's just enough "squish" to balance the cuteness.

3. My far-off family who never seem to find time to visit me in California. You know who you are, and I'm not going to stop bugging you. No, I'm not thankful they don't visit me. I just like to bug them about it whenever I get a chance.

4. My far-off relatives who do come to visit me. You know who you are, too, and I miss you all terribly.

5. My friends, whom I've covered in previous posts. Without them life would be a little less colorful, a little more boring and a lot more depressing. You are my lifeblood!

6. The fact that I've gotten to spend an entire year at home with my kids.

7. Hugs.

8. The beauty I can find in my own backyard, the flowers, the beach, the palm trees, the weather here.

9. My home. My fortress of solitude, my own little island of sanity (most days at least).

10. Books.

11. Strawberries.

12. Chocolate.

13. All those people who have made me who I am by being a part of my life. Some are still here, some are not. My Mom, My grandmother, my great-grandmother and my grandfather are just a few that are no longer with me physically, but their mark is on my life and heart forever.

14. Afternoons at the park with the boys.

15. Days at the beach.

16. My son's wonderful charter school and its sense of community.

17. Facebook.

18. Las Vegas

19. Sy-fy (even though I don't like the change in logo)

20. Wilson Creek Almond Champagne

21. My husband's pumpkin pie and Toll House cookies

22. Video Games

23. Backyard parties

24. Halloween

25. Christmas

My baby turned 4

I can't believe Morgan turned 4 yesterday. He's growing up so fast and insists that I don't call him baby. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. He will always be my baby. For that matter, so will 7-year-old Gabriel.

When it comes to birthdays, I usually pull out all the stops for the kids. I've been a little lax with Morgan, though, since he isn't in preschool, doesn't really know that many kids and his birthday is so close to Thanksgiving that it actually falls on the date once in awhile. So, for the past three years, it's been quiet celebrations at the house with a few family friends (usually adults), a homemade cake and a small fanfare.

Well, this year the growing young man insisted we throw him a party. A Shark party, no less. In my doting wisdom and thinking a shark party should be easy to find decorations and favors for, I agreed.

Boy was I a fool! For a town on the beach, there really isn't much out there for sharks. I guess a few years ago when "Shark Tale" came out there was stuff, but now that MY kid wants a shark party, there's nothing.

Morgan and I looked everywhere, we went to all the party stores in Ventura, Oxnard and Camarillo, we spent a day at Ventura Harbor Village and looked at the shops there. We went to the taco place near the hat shop and actually ate shark and chips. He thought this was pretty cool, and we both enjoyed the amazing pictures of Great White Sharks on the walls.

Finally, we went to Sea Things on Santa Clara in Ventura and found a few items for guests' gift bags.

We couldn't find invitations, so I ended up making them. We settled for plain, blue plates. I found two shark posters at Party Pleasers in Camarillo and put one of those on the hot tub and one on the garage wall above the food table. I made use of some drift wood from the beach and raided my bathroom for shells to use as table decorations. That would have to do.

There are no shark Jolly Jumpers, either. We settled for one with palm trees.

The cake was the big problem. Morgan wanted a shark cake. They don't make shark cakes, either. So, I was going to have to make that, too. After fretting for a month about how to make it and looking online at what others had done , I still had no idea how I was going to make a cake picturing a side view of the entire length of a shark because, of course, that's what my baby wanted.

The problem was that by the time I cut the shape of the shark out, there wasn't much cake left to serve the party guests.

Lucky for me, Mr. Morgan changed his mind and wanted to do a shark head with an open mouth full of teeth, like the original "Jaws" poster - now we're talking doable.

So, at 8 p.m. the night before the party, I started on the cake. Procrastination is my middle name, but somehow I always meet my deadline. Eric, of course, was laughing at me and taking pictures as I worked on the cake.

Putting the cake together wasn't so much the problem as frosting it without getting the colors mixed. I would have used a decorator and those funky little star pattern dots, except for the fact that I loathe them. They take forever and I'm not a very patient person.

Along about midnight, the red velvet cake (think shark blood) was done an frosted along with a whole bunch of cupcakes that I'm hoping the family will clean up before I eat too many.

However, this was a toothless shark and I wasn't sure what to do about the teeth. Those other shark cake makers used fondant, marshmallows, gum, vanilla Tootsie Rolls, nuts and candy apple candy corn. None of these things, save for the marshmallows, gum and nuts were readily available. I wanted to stay clear of nuts since I wasn't sure if any of our guests were allergic. Gum and marshmallows just didn't seem right.

So, a few hours before the party, I ran down to World Market to see what I could find. I found star-shaped Peeps that I thought I could cut the tips off, I found chocolate-coated almonds (at least the nuts were covered), Lindt white chocolate bars and a couple other things I decided wouldn't work. So, $14 in candy later, I'm back at the house trying to figure this out.

The star points on the Peeps were too wide, I was still having issues with the almonds, so I tried the white chocolate bars. I was worried they wouldn't cut properly, but it worked perfect, and we had a shark with a mouth full of teeth.

And, thanks to our friends the Snyders, I had a wine stopper in the shape of a swimmer that I was able to stick in the mouth so it looked like the shark ate someone. OK, perhaps not politically correct for a 4-year-old, but I've always said my family was a little twisted.

Oh, and Eric talked me out of writing Bite Me on the cake board. So instead, I made sure Morgan was wearing the shirt that said "Bite Me" with the picture of shark's teeth on it. It made me feel a little better.

The lessons I've learned: Don't commit on birthdays until I've checked out the party goods situation. I'm getting more confident at cake decorating with each birthday. Four-year-olds don't care if the decorations are perfect. They just want to have fun, candy, friends and presents until they're so pooped out that they fall asleep on the floor playing with their new toys.

October magically disappears

Way back in September, I wrote about my Grandmother's birthday, some disappointing events in my life and how I drew encouragement from my family. Since then, My grandmother has died, I made a trip back to Kansas and helped produce a Halloween haunted house as a fundraiser for my son's school. Somewhere amid all of that October disappeared.

Traditionally, October is a difficult time of year, my parents' anniversary is Oct. 4, my mother died on Oct. 6 and her birthday was Oct. 17, so that makes for a melancholy month. But me and my family revel in Halloween. We used to throw a huge Halloween party for all of our friends, but with circumstances being what they are this year, we had to let that tradition go.

I thought it was going to be a quiet, fun Halloween spent at my friend Linda's place. It was on a Saturday this year, so we had been talking about spending the entire day together, culminating with taking the kids trick-or-treating as we had the last few years.

We were mistaken.

The PTSO at my son's school had this idea come up about throwing a haunted house fundraiser for the school. We hashed it around a bit and were on the verge of canceling it when an unbelievable opportunity manifested itself. I won't go into the gory details, but before I knew it Linda, me and our new-found friend Cathy Derley were all coordinating this event that grew monstrous before our eyes.

It was exhausting, frustrating, rewarding, thrilling, fun and exciting all at the same time. It did, however, overshadow that nice, quiet little Halloween Saturday we had planned. It also consumed the entire month, and was the biggest bash I have ever had a part in throwing.

Somewhere in the middle of the planning for this event, my grandmother, who had turned 100 at the end of August, died. Her burial ceremony was set for Oct. 16, the day before my mother's birthday. This added another layer of sadness to the month.

While the circumstances for the trip back to Kansas were grim, and the trip itself was a quick one, it was nice to be back in the shelter of my family, if only for a few days. Being with them lends me a strength and ability to appreciated the life I've had and the people I've shared it with.

The busyness of the haunted house was therapy for me, as well. It helped me let go of the sadness and melancholy that usually consume the month of October. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and a chance to work on and complete a big project. It's also given me a bit of an emotional boost and lots and lots of memories and new friends.

The job hunt is ongoing, although jobs to apply for are few and far between. I still haven't given up, though and am looking almost every day for new opportunities. Nov. 6 was the anniversary of the layoff announcement. It's hard to believe it's been a year.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to Morgan's 4th birthday. He wants a shark birthday party. I never thought finding invitations and party supplies for a shark birthday would be so difficult, but apparently it is. So, it's off to a new challenge, creating invitations and figuring out how to make a shark birthday cake.

It's back to one step at a time and making my own happiness.

A summer roller coaster ride

A lot of things have been going on the past few months and I thought I'd wait until the roller coaster ride was over before I wrote my review.

First there was my foray into business ventures. I spent a good part of the last three months doing my due diligence, marketing research and writing a business plan in order secure funding to buy a business.

It was hard, I learned a lot, I found a few mentors and, in the end, I still don't have a business.

Make no mistake, I have no regrets about going through the process. The people at SCORE and WEV are amazing, caring people, and if you ever have an idea for a business, check in with these people. They have the expertise to get you on the right foot and up and running.

I learned so much: how to write a business plan, how to prepare a table of start-up costs, how to correctly do a profit and loss statement, how to project a 12-month earnings statement. It was very educational. I also learned I wasn't as clueless about the business end of things as I had been led to believe.

My only regret is that the person I was hoping to buy the business from wasn't as open with me as I was with her. After getting everything in order and turning it in to the review board, I notified the business owner of the timetable -- six to eight weeks with an answer by the end of August. She never said this would be a problem. I warned her she wouldn't hear from me during that time as there would be nothing to report.

As my loan review date approached, I emailed the business owner, letting her know exactly when I would get an answer. Her reply stated that she had sold the business to someone else.

I wasn't really sure what to think. I'd spent months on the phone with her and working with her. She knew how much I wanted this and how hard I had worked, but she never thought to tell me there was another buyer.

I was devastated on many levels. I had hoped this would be my answer to being unemployed. It felt good to be taking action, and I was excited about owning my own business. It's easier to remain optimistic when you're actively pursuing something, too. I was also eager to be generating some income.

When I opened that email, my heart sank. Fear found a foothold and my faith in my fellow human beings dropped to an all-time low. It's hard for me to fathom that someone wouldn't have the common courtesy to make a phone call.

On the same day that I found out about losing the business opportunity, in fact, in the next few moments, I got a call for an interview from a company I had sent my resume to a couple months ago. It's a great job. I think both interviews I've had with them went well. It's a job I can do well, a job I would find challenging and enjoyable. I'm once again excited about something, and I hope it works out (cross your fingers).

The day after this, we loaded up the car and went to Oregon for my grandmother's 100th birthday. It was a fabulous weekend. I was able to reconnect with family members I hadn't seen in more than 20 years. There's nothing like a good dose of family to lift the spirits.

As I was listening to my grandma and all her relatives talk about their lives, I thought about what they've lived through. Their parents immigrated from Russia, they lived through the Depression and both World Wars. My grandmother has lost her husband, her daughter and several of her siblings. Through it all, she's picked herself up and endured with love and strength and perhaps a little sadness, too. But, she's strong and so is my family.

My aunt reminded me that when a door closes, at least a window opens somewhere. You may have to crawl through it and get battered a bit along the way, but something good will come from the experience.

I gained strength from being with my family. And, like my grandmother, I'll pick myself up and keep going.

Right now I'm looking at all the gifts I've been given.

I have a wonderful husband, two adorable boys and a supportive family, even if they're all miles away. I was able to spend at least one glorious summer with my sons, going to the beach, going to movies, playing video games, reading and just horsing around. That is something I never thought I'd be able to do.

I've learned a lot about myself.

I don't like housework and no matter how much time I have on my hands, there will always be something better to do. I realized how much of myself I'd given away to work. I've learned to balance my life better. I've rediscovered they joys of cooking, art and crafts. I've benefited from quality time with friends.

I've also realized that despite the dwindling bank account, my life is rich. Rich with an amazing, colorful family and friends that are worth more than fine gold.

I've also realized that it's taken me losing my job to make me slow down and take stock of what I have and not take it for granted. Life is beautiful despite its roller coaster ride, or just maybe it's more beautiful because of it.

Once a bookworm, always a bookworm

Now that I have more "free" time - or at least time that I'm not tied to a desk owned by someone else, I'm reacquainting myself with the library.

When I was working and wanted to read a book, I'd cart myself over to the nearest bookstore and pick it up or order it online. I always thought of books as an investment, or priceless treasures. And still do.

Now that there is no room for disposable income in my budget - mainly since there is NO income from my side of the marriage - I'm rediscovering the joys of going to the library. And, I get to share those moments of discovery with my children.

I think I've mentioned before that I was a bit of an awkward child. I didn't have a whole lot of friends and did have a whole lot of time on my hands in the summers. We lived about two blocks from the library, and I spent most of my summer days, along with my older brother, combing the stacks for adventure. All the librarians knew us by name.

By the time I was in fifth grade, I had read all of "Nancy Drew," a good portion of the "Hardy Boys" and numerous other classics like "Charlotte's Web" and "Tom Sawyer." Books were my best friends and my great escape.

In my room, there was this great bay window with a rose bush outside that was perfect for spending the day curled up and reading. I still remember looking out the window at the end of Charlotte's Web with tears rolling down my cheeks. Yeah, I was an ole softy then, too.

We didn't go on very many vacations as a child, but that didn't matter much as long as I was able to get my hands on a book to read. Books took me all over the world on adventures through time, space, faerie, etc.

Now, I get to watch Gabe's eyes light up as he tells me what's happening in the "Warriors" series or as he tells me how exciting the "Alfred Hitchcock and the Three Investigators Series" is. That one I remember reading as a kid, only I was probably a little older than Gabe at the time.

Morgan is excited by Dave Pilkey's "Kat Kong" and "Dogzilla." It doesn't matter how many times I read them, they still tickle his funny bone. When it's time to get new books, he goes straight for them.

So, when we head for the library, I send the boys off to the children's section and I go roaming the stacks for my own treasures. We all convene in the children's area and compare adventures. And we usually leave with an armload of books, many more than if we had to buy them.

I personally think everyone should find at least an hour out of their day to check out the local libraries and see what they have to offer. They just might be surprised at how rewarding that experience can be.

Life is a beach

Now that summer is in full swing and both my boys are home all day, we've been trying to find rhythm and variety of things to do. This may be why you haven't heard from me much. It's hard to have enough clarity to write in between SpongeBob, video games and being outside.

Some of the things we've been doing this summer include swimming lessons (Thanks Lisa), the Ventura Aquatic Center, weekly movies with the Regal Cinemas' Family Film Festival, brushing up on our video game skills, going to the library, reading and going to the beach.

Of these, I think our favorite has been going to the beach. It just doesn't get any better than packing a lunch, stretching out on the beach and playing in the sand and the surf.

We pack up the beach blanket, sand toys, towels, beach chairs, a good book and the backpack cooler with food and drinks and head out for the day. It doesn't matter how long we've been there, we're never quite ready to pack up and go home.

Sometimes we go with friends, sometimes it's just me and the boys, but we never have a bad time. Gabe has started playing in the waves more and is showing an interest in bodyboarding. Morgan is content in digging big holes and jumping in and out of them. When it comes to the water, he mostly likes to chase the waves.

For me, I just like walking on the sand and watching my kids and the waves. No matter my worries or concerns, they all seem to melt away knowing that there are much bigger things in life than my problems. It helps me put life in perspective. For me, going to the beach is a healing experience.

Everyone is happy to be there. Everyone is having fun. It's a joy to see my children discover crabs, starfish and sea anemones; seek sand dollars; and create sculptures with sand and seaweed.

The entire experience feeds their imaginations. Morgan likes to play Godzilla climbing out of the water and smashing the sand city he's built.

It gives them a sense of discovery, and wears them out. They come home calm and collected, a little tired, but very content.

I count my blessing that I live close to the beach. That I have the opportunity to wash away my trouble in the sand and sea, and that I can spend this golden summer with my two beautiful sunshine boys!

Imagination evaporation

What happens to our imaginations as we get older?

My oldest son, Gabriel, went to a camp this week. Camp Invention. It was pretty cool. They learned all about science and physics and inventing during the week. Today, they had a little expo where their family members came to view their inventions and creations.

I was impressed by all the creative problem-solving these elementary school students came up with. The older students created Rube Goldberg machines, complex devices that perform simple tasks in indirect, convoluted ways, that were to catapult and smash a rotten egg. Each team came up with something different. They were made out of coffee maker parts, Walkman's and other discarded appliance and recyclable items like paper towel rolls, boxes, egg cartons, etc.

Their machine designs and plans were some of the most creative drawings I've seen in a long time.

They let their imaginations run wild with nothing to stop them and all the encouragement in the world from the camp counselors.

It did get me thinking about how my imagination has been stunted by the rules, discouragement and years of working for the Man. Somewhere along the way, I lost my desire to create and be artistic. I lost my joy of simply silly and beautiful creations made for creation's sake. I began to produce.

Somewhere along the line, everything I did had to have purpose and meaning beyond being silly or beautiful.

I still dabble with scrapbooking and design and painting and crafts, but it's usually with a specific goal, such as organizing my photos for my family, making presents for various holidays, cooking a meal, etc. It's rarely for the simple purpose of expressing myself or exercising my imagination. It only happens when all the chores are done and everything is in its place, which means rarely.

I think that is one thing that being home with my kids has taught me. I need to get in touch with my inner child again and relearn how to be silly and imaginative. I'd forgotten how happy those simple pleasures make me.

My youngest, Morgan, is probably the most imaginative person I have ever known. He creates entire worlds out of nothing at all. He comes up with the most amazing and detailed stories you've ever heard. He doesn't care that sometimes they don't make much sense in the real world. They make perfect sense to him and that is all that matters. It is a beautiful thing.

I hope he never loses touch with that imaginative side of himself.

... and Gabe's invention?

He created something called an "Attractor" that attracts his little brother when Morgan is being a bit too imaginative, and annoying, for Gabriel's comfort.